She shot out of the front door of daycare and was about 3 steps ahead of me when I snagged her hand. The excitement of her day bubbled over in giggles and details. She so wanted to run ahead. I stopped her at the bottom of the stairs. "Remember, the parking lot. You have to hold my hand." She reluctantly complied. But, every step she turned her hand to try to somehow escape my grasp. I held on tighter knowing the potential danger that weaved in and out of minivans and parking spots. I could see what she couldn't.
In that moment, God began to speak to my heart. In quiet conversations and silent wrestlings, I have pondered the phrase "letting go." Friends with wisdom have encouraged it. But, somehow my heart didn't understand it. The offer was enticing but I couldn't quite fully convince my heart that it was a smart move. I had so much invested. Countless tears. Sleepless nights. I mean, letting all of that go? Give up my right to visit the familiar pit of regret? Shed the shame of others expectations? Scary territory for a gal that had defined herself by the very things that she was being asked to give up.
There are times when my little girl wants to hold my hand. Begs for it fact. Reaches out for me when she doesn't have to. Then, there are times that I need her to hold my hand and she resists. I am trying to protect her, to keep her from danger, to keep her near. She fights with everything in her to get away. I hold tighter because I know when she is connected to me, she is safe.
God said to my heart: Letting go is taking my hand just because you want to be connected. Not fighting me and trying to go your own way. Letting go means you trust that I can see what you can't. Letting go of the things you hold so tightly, free you to fully embrace life with Me.
And so, today, I loosen my grip. My white knuckles relax and drop the weights that have hindered me and sought to separate. Today, your unfailing love motivates me to take your hand so I can be connected. Today, I let go...